


patience (with love)

by thisissirius



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:34:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23807725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisissirius/pseuds/thisissirius
Summary: Can you pick Chris up in the morning for school?The reply comes instantly.You okay?Not feeling great and thinking he could use some Buck time :)Buck arrives early enough the next morning that the house is quiet. Both Chris and Eddie are still in bed. He's worried and he can't shake it. After the first round of texts, Eddie stopped, and Buck’s been anxious about what prompted Eddie’s sudden sickness. Not feeling great means a myriad of things where Eddie’s concerned, though it’s usually emotional.day four of chris week.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 45
Kudos: 541





	patience (with love)

**Author's Note:**

> let's try this again without hijacking part of eli's fic OOPS
> 
> my bad ;)
> 
> have some hurt!boys but then making it better!boys

"I wish you were dead instead of Mom," Chris snaps.

Eddie swallows, feels the words hit like a physical punch. It takes him a moment to be able to talk but even when he can, he just shakes his head, tapping the door frame before leaving Chris' room. He closes the door behind him and leans against it, taking a moment to compose himself. He swallows thickly, heads into his own room. His hands don't stop shaking through using the bathroom, setting his alarm, and climbing into bed. He keeps his phone in hand, eyes burning, and before he knows what he's doing, he texts Buck.

_Can you pick Chris up in the morning for school?_

The reply comes instantly.

_You okay?_

_Not feeling great and thinking he could use some Buck time :)_

Buck arrives early enough the next morning that the house is quiet. Both Chris and Eddie are still in bed. He's worried and he can't shake it. After the first round of texts, Eddie stopped, and Buck’s been anxious about what prompted Eddie’s sudden sickness. Not feeling great means a myriad of things where Eddie’s concerned, though it’s usually emotional.

Letting himself in with the key, Buck makes his way down the corridor. Chris' door is closed and that makes him pause. He can't remember the last time Eddie did that. When Buck eases it open, he feels a flush of relief at seeing Chris still asleep. Less so when he sees the rumpled state of him, the mess of the room.

When Buck reaches Eddie's room, his heart breaks again.

Eddie's not asleep; he's awake, shuddering, and crying. Buck darts forward, crouches in front of the bed. He runs a hand through Eddie's hair, and Eddie starts, trying to turn away from Buck.

"Eddie, hey, talk to me, man. Did anything happen to Chris last night?"

Immediately shaking his head, Eddie closes his eyes, breathes out a shuddering sigh. "He's fine."

"You're not," Buck says. He scratches at Eddie's scalp. "Tell me."

Eddie blinks, tears still on his cheeks and he ducks away when Buck tries to wipe them away. He shifts on the bed, unfurls and stares out the window. "It's nothing."

Buck stands, then rests a knee on the bed, hand rubbing Eddie's hip. "Eddie, I'm asking what happened."

Another shudder. "Buck, please, leave it-"

"Eddie," Buck says again, pressing a hand to Eddie's cheek and turning his face. "It's okay, baby."

"It's not," Eddie says, a tremble in his voice. Buck watches as the words come tumbling out of him. "We were supposed to be cooking dinner last night together. It's a year since - since Shannon," another shaky breath and Buck feels something like sorrow settle in him. "We were supposed to be cooking her favourite, spaghetti, and I tried, Buck, I did but-"

Buck knows spaghetti isn't something Eddie can do well.

"He'd been sad most of the day and I knew it. I should have tried something else or taken him out but I wanted this with him." Eddie closes his eyes, another tear escaping. "He was so angry at me, Buck. He told me he wished I had died and not Shannon."

"Oh, Eddie." Buck wraps an arm around Eddie's shoulder, brings him closer. It's an awkward angle, but he kisses Eddie's temple. "Baby, he didn't mean it."

"I know that," Eddie gets out. "I do here," he says, brushing his forehead. "I don't here," Eddie touches his chest. "I love my kid, Buck, more than anyone else in this world but I can't - I know he doesn't mean it but my heart hasn't caught up yet."

Buck doesn't know what to say. He's never had to deal with something like this.

"Can you take him to school for me? Just - come back after school as well? I want him to know i'm not his only -"

"You know what?" Buck says, kissing the corner of Eddie's mouth. "We're playing hooky today. No, stop," he says, when Eddie starts to open his mouth. "We have the day off and I'll call the school. Eddie, he's sad about his mother, will definitely feel guilty this morning, and you both need a moment. I'll distract him for the morning, but you're talking about this."

Eddie looks like he wants to do anything but.

"So," Buck says, sliding a plate of pancakes across the table. "Wanna talk about it?"

Chris shrugs, gripping a fork in his hand. He flicks his eyes to the doorway, then back to Buck. "Is Dad awake?"

Buck nods, keeping eye contact with Chris as much as possible. "He's not feeling too well this morning."

"I was mean to him, Bucky," Chris whispers. His eyes are sad, and he curls around his plate. "I said something really bad."

"Your dad is sad," Buck tells Chris, because he doesn't wanna sugar coat it. Chris deserves comfort for losing his mother, but even in anger, Buck doesn't think he should support anything like what Chris said the night before. "You told him you wished he was dead, buddy."

Chris scrunches up his face, picking at his pancakes. He doesn't cry, but Buck sits next to him anyway, brushing hair out of Chris' eyes. When Chris looks up, he looks devastated. "I was mad. Mom died and I don't blame Dad, Bucky, I don't but - but he wasn't sad all day and I was so angry."

"What do you mean he wasn't sad?" Buck frowns. "Buddy, your dad loved your mom so much. Of course he was sad!"

"He didn't act like it," Chris says to his pancakes. He pokes at it, takes a bit to eat. "He talks about Mom and he made sure I knew he loved her, that she loved me, but he didn't seem sad.”

Buck's not equipped to handle this. He’s only recently acquired a son and he’s trying to figure things out. What if he gets this wrong? "You think that means he wasn't sad?"

Chris doesn't say anything for a while. He pushes his plate away, looks at Buck slowly. "I wanted him to be sad, like me."

This, Buck can do.

"Sweetheart," Buck says, touching Chris' cheek and brushing his tears away. Chris allows it, unlike his father. "Your dad is sad inside. You know he doesn't show things sometimes, right?" Chris nods. "He tries to protect you."

Chris frowns. "I don't need it."

Buck smiles. "Your dad doesn't know that yet. You're his kid, Chris, and he's always going to try and protect you. Just like he always tries to protect me, right?"

"He does," Chris agrees, looking at his hands. "So he's sad?"

"I think he is sad and always will be, just like you. But sometimes, Chris, your Dad won't show it. Sometimes, maybe he won't be sad at the right times. Other times, he'll be sad at the wrong times."

Chris nods. Buck hopes he understands and not just because he wants to believe whatever Buck is saying is true.

"But you know what always stays the same?" Buck taps his finger under Chris' chin. "Your dad loves you so, so much. He wants you to be happy. When he burned the dinner last night, he was probably really sorry, buddy."

"I know," Chris says quietly. "I didn’t mean to shout, I just wanted him to be sad."

"He was." Buck leans on the table. "But he didn't want to make you even sadder by showing you."

Chris tilts his head. "He shouldn't do that, Buck. Dad's allowed to be sad."

"Right," Buck says, finally finding a way in. "And you know he's allowed to be sad about what you said?"

Hesitating, Chris sighs and then nods. "I know. But I want to make him happy again."

Buck looks at the pan on the stove and grins. "You know how we can help your dad?"

"How?"

"We're gonna cook him breakfast in bed," Buck says. "Because your dad's real lazy."

Chris giggles, but then looks serious. "Bucky, he's not lazy! He's just sad."

"I know, buddy," Buck says quietly. He's secretly pleased with Chris' reaction. It means he wants to fix whatever is wrong with Eddie. "Let's get this done and go and see your dad."

Eddie's still in bed. He's facing the wall, head on his arm.

Buck knocks on the doorjamb and Eddie jerks, eyes darting immediately to Chris. "Hey, Eddie."

"Chris," Eddie says, swiping at his face and sitting up quickly. Buck can see the fake smile on Eddie's face, and then looks down at Chris, who's frowning at his dad.

"Daddy," Chris says, and Buck helps him with the tray as they rest it on the bed. "You don't have to pretend to be happy."

Eddie frowns. "Chris-"

"Eddie," Buck says quickly. He rests his hand on the back of Eddie's head, teases the strands of Eddie's hair gently. "Baby, you need to listen."

"I-" Eddie takes a deep breath, scratches his arm, and then nods. "Okay, Chris."

Chris leans against Buck, and Buck gives him an encouraging smile. "I'm sorry, Dad. When I said - When I told you I wished you died."

Eddie closes his eyes, obviously still hurt, and Buck strokes his hair once, twice, kisses the top of his head. Eddie reaches up, catches Buck's free hand.

"I didn't mean it, Daddy. I just wanted you to be sad, like me."

"Mijo," Eddie says, voice wrecked. "I'm sad all the time."

It's an admission that surprises Buck as much as it surprises Chris.

Eddie ducks his head. "I feel sad when I can't do things to help you not be sad. I feel sad about your Mom. I feel sad because... sometimes I don't feel sad about your mom."

Chris looks at Buck.

Buck squeezes Eddie's hand. "Baby, you've never said-"

"Why would I?" Eddie says. "To admit I'm weak?"

"Is Christopher weak for being sad?" Buck's mad that Eddie' saying it in front of Chris, but Eddie immediately looks guilty.

"No, I-"

"Buck," Chris says quietly. "It's okay."

"Buck, I would never - I want Chris to know-"

"It's okay to love Buck, Dad."

Eddie looks startled.

Buck blinks.

"That's why you weren't sad yesterday. Because you were with Bucky all day."

Eddie swallows. "Chris-"

"I love Mom," Chris says, touching Eddie's arm, then his face. "I love Buck."

Buck feels the familiar rush of happiness and ducks his head.

Eddie shivers, clutches tightly at Buck's hand, then leans forward to grab Chris. Chris clambers awkwardly onto the bed and throws his arms around Eddie's neck.

"Daddy, I'm so sorry," Chris sobs.

"Mijo," Eddie says, and his voice shakes too. He presses a hand to the back of Chris' head and holds him in place.

"I don't wish you were dead," Chris sobs. "Daddy, I love you."

Buck presses a hand to his mouth. He turns away, not sure what to do.

When they're done crying, Eddie pulls back and smiles. "Breakfast looks good, buddy."

"Buck helped," Chris says, curling up with Eddie. "He talked to me."

"I'm glad," Eddie says, meeting Buck's eyes. "He's good at that."

Buck's returning smile is gentle, and he brushes a hand through Chris' hair, then Eddie's. There doesn't seem to be anything more to say, but then Eddie tugs him down, kisses him full on the mouth.

"Chris isn't wrong," Eddie says, touching his forehead to Buck's. "I love you so much."

"I love you," Buck says gently.

"And I love both of you," Chris chimes in. "Thank you, Buck."

Buck doesn't need thanks, but he takes them. Eddie looks happy enough, but Buck doesn't doubt this will come up again. Chris will feel guilty for a while, but Buck thinks they can work around it. Buck's gonna keep his family happy no matter what - and if talking about Shannon over pancakes is what he needs to do, then so be it.

**Author's Note:**

> why am i like this


End file.
